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SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS TIME
by
J. MANN
I have been writing poetry and nonfiction for almost a decade. In the
darkest moments of my life, pen and paper were both my confessional and
my punching-bag. I started writing in high-school, in an environment
where creativity, if not encouraged, was not stifled. My writing
improved through 4 years at university, and then stopped.
Particularly with poetry, but also to an extent with nonfiction, I was
an organic writer. I had an idea, and I wrote. I never gave much
thought to the process--poems and turns of phrase somehow arrived in my
mind, and transferred themselves onto paper.
I have not written anything worth mentioning in more than 2 years.
Straight from university, I landed in a job that completely stifled
originality and creativity. I became an automaton, going through the
motions to earn a salary. I turned into a not-nice person. The company
was so oppressive that writing poetry, my only outlet, was lost to me.
My non-fiction writing turned into sales blurb; even that skill was
taken away from me and twisted into something ugly.
When I left the job in January 2002, after a year of hell, no-one
around me could understand. I spent 4 months unemployed, and another
6-8 months effectively as a charity case. Now, 19 months later, I am
still battling the demons I took away from that place.
I began to feel that I might be able to write again. Some experimental
poems about writers block didn't amount to much, so I set them aside.
Then, in October last year, I stumbled across a website which seemed to
be exactly what I was looking for. This was a community of writers,
helping each other out, discussing issues, and sharing knowledge.
The feeling in the community was that poetry and nonfiction are the
poor cousins of "Real Writing," meaning fiction, specifically novels
and short stories. Even more, there was a clear feeling that unless one
writes fantasy novels, one cannot call oneself a "Real Writer."
Having lost the spark that I had for poetry and nonfiction, I decided
to try fit in with their mold. I have always loved reading fantasy, and
here was my chance to create my own. I had a few interesting ideas,
that I could see would be great stories. Nothing worked. I could not
find that magic that would turn a good idea in my head into a good
story on paper. And for fear of the stigma, I couldn't turn back to
poetry or nonfiction.
Factors which many people reading this essay will know about, as well
as others which you might not, led me to leave that community. I go
back there from time to time to read what is being posted, but not to
offer any value. They don't want what I have to give anyway.
And now I find myself re-evaluating my writing. I have looked back and
thought about what it is I want
to write, and fantasy, in fact, fiction in general, is not it. I want
to go back to my roots, to return to poetry and nonfiction. The
realization of this has been enough that in the last week, I have been
more positive about writing than I have been for years. This essay
marks my return to nonfiction.
Far more important though, is the effect that the past 2 years have had
on my approach. I have been rereading my poems, and remembering the
moments that they "came" to me. That spark in my mind used to result in
a poem, whole and finished, waiting to find its way onto paper.
I don't see those sparks anymore, but I do have ideas. It has taken me
2 years to realize that I can write poetry without that magical spark.
That spark might return one day, but I am not its slave.
And that realization has already borne fruit. Apart from this essay, I
already have a list of 7 poems I want to write. They won't be easy, and
poetry used to be very easy for me, but I want to write them, and so
I will.
It has taken me all this time to come back to my starting point. 2
years to realize that I need to change my approach, and rely less on
inspiration. But the most important thing I have come to understand, is
that I could not have
come to this point any sooner.
Sometimes all it takes is time.
Copyright © 2003, J. Mann. All
rights reserved.
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